The happenings at an elementary school in Connecticut last week once again reminded me that I am not vulnerable to some degrees of pain right now. And the thought of being that vulnerable scares the heck out of me. Believe me, I am sooo sad about what happened and if I knew one of the kids who was killed I would be even more so, but I honestly can't imagine what those moms and dads are going through. I can't imagine the pain they feel or the depths of their sorrows. I feel sick to my stomach but I realize that it's not even close to the same thing.
Throughout the years I've sometimes wished that I didn't have this desire to have a kid, that I could be fully happy with what I have. I've wished that God would take this yearning from me if it's not ever to be fulfilled. And then maybe I could be happy with what I have. But I keep coming back to wanting to be a mom, even though it sounds crazy sometimes to want to give so much of myself.
And sometimes I think that all this is so not fair, when I see people who have kids who I think are less deserving than we are (like I can really judge that). But then, sometimes, I also realize that it's ok that it's not really fair because I sure don't deserve the good things I have in my life. I don't deserve the husband I have who is spending his first night on break from school cleaning the bathroom, or the educational and professional opportunities I've had, or the amazing parents and siblings that I have, not to mention all the people that have done so much to help bear our burdens this year especially.
What I'm saying is that I'm incredibly blessed even though that doesn't always come through here, but I do know it at least on some level.
In fact, here' s a photo to show just some of those things that are awesome about my life:
