I am afraid...

...that all this will work and I'll get pregnant...that all this will not work and I won't get pregnant...that I'll only ever have one kid...that I won't be able to carry a baby to term...that I won't get my body back after having a kid...that it will negatively affect my relationship with Husband...that I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle this...that I won't be a good mother...that my kid will be THAT kid...that I won't have a kid until I'm 40...that I won't have the patience...that labor will be too painful...that I won't be able to breastfeed.

Ah, it feels good to get that off my chest.

In exciting news, we might have a guest blogger at mybrokenuterus soon.

The crazies

I had hopes that this time would be different. I've done fertility drugs before and they gave me a good case of the crazies. This time I'm on a more mild drug that works its way through the system more quickly but is supposed to have similar success rates. I thought that since it was more mild I would avoid the emotional roller coaster from before. But no. Poor Husband. It is nice to have an excuse for the crying but it is different from the normal bouts I have throughout the month.

"It is what it is"

That is the motto that was on the dr.'s company polo shirt that he was wearing when he met with me just before my surgery. On one side it had the name of his practice, on the other was this phrase. It struck me as odd. I guess it's one more thing to ask about during my post op.

That is all.

Not Sarcoidosis

Yesterday was my big day. We showed up to the hospital a little before noon and I didn't have any time to sit and read and get nervous. I was really impressed with the hospital, the least known of the Albany hospitals. I had about an hour in the surgery prep room before they got the iv going and I realized that there are a lot of old people in hospitals. I was by far the youngest person there who wasn't working.

Around 1pm I was taken into the OR and before long I was out. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room and FREEZING. I guess that can happen with an iv. But the nurses brought over warm towels every few minutes for me. Like I said, I was impressed with everything about this hospital. I got so cold that my teeth chattered at some points. And I noticed that I couldn't move my midsection normally. But I didn't really feel any pain.

After about an hour in the recovery room of warm blankets and juice I slowly dressed myself (yay I can dress myself!) I was wheelchaired to the curb where Husband waited with a warm car.

Because I was still kind of out of it the dr. talked to Stewart and not me after the surgery. He sent us home with some notes and photos. I will not be putting these photos on the blog. It turns out the the dr. did remove my friendly little cyst and they're going to run some tests on it. But other than that I am perfectly healthy down there. So congratulations Mia, you win. I stumpled the dr. so you're invited to the birth, which may or may never happen. I'm a little bummed. I feel like two days ago we didnt' know anything and we still don't know anything except that there's not really anything to know. But I'm glad that I did this and that I skipped the HSG test because it wouldn't have shown anything that the surgery didn't and I would have then had the surgery anyway.

I am feeling pretty good as long as I don't stretch or bend my midsection. I havn't had to take any pain meds because I don't feel any pain, just a minute of discomfort when I lie down or roll over or when the cat jumps on my belly. Husband has been great and a friend brought dinner over last night. Thanks for all the well wishes, prayers and just general good thoughts.

And They Took MORE Blood

As I prepare for the forthcoming surgery there have been several trips to the doctor's office and the lab for bloodwork. Everytime I step through the door, they take more blood. I don't mind. I even enjoy watching but it is so hard to get the blood out of me. When they took just one vial today it went ok, but when they had to take six it almost didn't happen. My blood clots super well. Yay for not bleeding to death; not yay for an early stroke or heart attack.

(While I was in the waiting room at the lab to have a large amount of blood drawn I pulled the book out of my purse. I was reading Dracula. )

The dr. told me earlier this week that he's expecting to find something wrong during the exploratory surgery so he wouldn't be surprised if they have to make three or even four incisions to fix problems. I kind of freaked out after that. Two I can handle, but FOUR?! Come on.

Today they ultrasounded me (internally, with the long stick stuck in my hoo-ha.) Apparently I have a newly arrived cyst on one of my ovaries so I expect that will come off during the surgery so I'm already up to 3 incisions for sure. And I spent the morning after that news freaking out some. I know its not a big deal, but still...

And they are testing me every few days for pregnancy because then they won't do the surgery. I should win some kind of award, but no surgery. This would be the time when my body would decide to work-just when I'm being proactive about the problem. So, to ensure that I don't get pregnant, husband and I have to contracept for the next few days. They didn't prescribe birth control because my hormones are right where they should be so I had to buy condoms as part of my efforts to get pregnant. Seems wrong, I know.

Great! So now I'm THAT Patient

The trip would be worth rescheduling the long awaited surgery. Lunch at the Culinary Institute of America, Hyde Park, NYC Museums or a show, The Daily Show with John Stewart. It will be good.

So I called to reschedule my surgery. This is after I had to go through the whole changing of the health insurance so it took me longer than usual to even schedule the surgery to begin with. I am certain that I have a note in my file to the effect of, "She's not energetic about finding out what's wrong. Don't work too hard at fixing her." After a nice chat with Maria about the trip and its details (she said it was important so she could determine whether or not we could still do the surgery, but I think she's a little jealous of such a fantastic gift) she decided that I can still go ahead as planned.

Except, that, on the Monday of the trip (The day we see the Daily Show) I can only have liquids. New York City and not being allowed to eat? Come on. And when we're 20 minutes from home I have to take a laxative. If we hit traffic 15 minutes out there will be problems.

I'm now taking bets on what is wrong with me. Winner gets invited to the birth.

A word about health insurance

I am not advocating for socialized medicine. It would not solve all of our problems and it would not solve any of them without creating new ones.

But it is such a pain. Husband's company changes health care plans every year because of cost so we have to re-do all of our paperwork with doctors every January. This year, because I'd just found a fertility dr. that I really love I held my breath, hoping that he would still be covered in the new plan. Not listed in the provider book but my old dr. (the one I hated) was listed as covered. I became suspicious of the book because that dr. retired two years ago. A call to customer service confirmed that the new dr. IS now covered, their book is just WAY outdated. Ok, dr. is covered. What about treatments? Fortunately my surgery is still covered.

But honestly, why does it have to be this difficult. Why can't all insurances cover all doctors? Not to mention our ever increasing co-pays and premiums. As if being broken isn't frustrating enough!

Oh, and I will need to reschedule the surgery because Husband is taking me out of town when I was going to have it done. Best case scenario, it will only set me back three days, worst case scenario, a month. What's one more month on top of 6+ years, though. It had better be a good trip, is all I'm saying.