Tuesday, March 2, 2010

No Hopes Here

The main reason I have this blog is to document more of my infertility than just the success we'll have when we finally get a kid through some means. I felt like all I the stories I would hear were about couples after they had a child and that doesn' t help with the feelings of isolation, especially when you belong to a church that is so family oriented.

I knew I wasn't pregnant this month. Even though I had taken fertility drugs, I just knew. Even though my period was a week late, I knew it would come, eventually. One of the worst things about fertility drugs, at least for me, is that they mess up an otherwise fairly regular cycle.

So I found myself without a period for one extra day, then another, then another. But I didn't get my hopes up this time. Sure I thought about how our lives would be different if I was pregnant, but I knew full well that I'm not now. When husband asked when he could panic, I told him to wait 9 months.

I didn't take a pregnancy test this time because I knew it would be a waste of money and urine. And I don't like peeing on a stick unless I have to. And I didn't have to this month.

But I still felt sad and disappointed when I found out for sure that I'm not pregnant. And a little relieved, is that wrong? For all our efforts (ok, mostly my efforts, husband only makes occasional efforts:) I still feel totally unprepared in almost every way. And the ways in which I do feel prepared I know deep down that I am the least prepared. I know this is normal.

So I took the day off from work and working out and had ice cream for breakfast/lunch (I slept til noon so I'm not sure what meal it was).

And we will try again.

I promise I am not as depressed as this post makes me sound. I get one day a month to feel sorry for myself and I'm taking it.