The main reason I have this blog is to document more of my infertility than just the success we'll have when we finally get a kid through some means. I felt like all I the stories I would hear were about couples after they had a child and that doesn' t help with the feelings of isolation, especially when you belong to a church that is so family oriented.
I knew I wasn't pregnant this month. Even though I had taken fertility drugs, I just knew. Even though my period was a week late, I knew it would come, eventually. One of the worst things about fertility drugs, at least for me, is that they mess up an otherwise fairly regular cycle.
So I found myself without a period for one extra day, then another, then another. But I didn't get my hopes up this time. Sure I thought about how our lives would be different if I was pregnant, but I knew full well that I'm not now. When husband asked when he could panic, I told him to wait 9 months.
I didn't take a pregnancy test this time because I knew it would be a waste of money and urine. And I don't like peeing on a stick unless I have to. And I didn't have to this month.
But I still felt sad and disappointed when I found out for sure that I'm not pregnant. And a little relieved, is that wrong? For all our efforts (ok, mostly my efforts, husband only makes occasional efforts:) I still feel totally unprepared in almost every way. And the ways in which I do feel prepared I know deep down that I am the least prepared. I know this is normal.
So I took the day off from work and working out and had ice cream for breakfast/lunch (I slept til noon so I'm not sure what meal it was).
And we will try again.
I promise I am not as depressed as this post makes me sound. I get one day a month to feel sorry for myself and I'm taking it.
About Me
- Wife of dastew
- 30 year old Pisces living it up in New York. But I'd rather be in the Old York.
4 comments:
That's interesting that most people write in retrospect, not as they are going through it. For me writing is therapeutic. I've started a separate journal just for our most recent miscarriage. (And, I'm also commenting about myself when this blog is about YOUR broken uterus, not MY broken uterus. More evidence of my need to express, I guess.)
You're so wise to recognize the sense of relief as normal and let yourself feel mixed emotions. No one is ever really prepared for a baby. Good for you for being honest with yourself and the world & not overly idealistic. Really. I think most of us when we have a challenge think "Oh, if I could just ...(find the right person, land a good job, have enough money, etc.)... then I'd be happy." But those of us who expect that some occurrance will mark the end of our struggles usually get to the other side of it disappointed. I think you're more prepared than you think b/c you acknowledge that you are not totally prepared.
You have amazing strength & wisdom & you are courageous to share it. We love you guys!
I recognize that thought process very well. And I hate paying money for pregnancy tests that you know are not going to be positive. It is a double slap. And good for ice cream.
This reminds me so much of the many months/years that Jen and I tried and it makes me sad that you and Stew have to go through this too. It's a really sucky thing to have to go through. Stick it out, good things will come. You're in our prayers.
I love you. I pray for you and Stew. :)
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