Sunday, February 21, 2016

When It Nearly Fell Apart

After our third visit to NYC to see Gavin's birth mother, and toward the end of March we had settled into somewhat of a routine.  We both had a lot of work to do in preparation of taking some time off in the near future; we were both running and working out a lot; I spent a great deal of time texting Gavin's birth mother each day, helping her sort things out; we had a house to get ready for a baby...but I wondered if she'd ever have this baby and assuming she did, she couldn't sign anything until the baby was born and we were there. 

About a week and a half before what became Gavin's birth day, and just a few days after our third visit, Gavin's birth mother texted, saying that we needed to come back to NYC very soon so we could discuss the adoption and new developments.  We replied that we didn't understand, we thought that we would be there when the baby was born and there wasn't a whole lot else to discuss until then.  She refused to give details so we began to get worried and called attorneys/social workers the next morning.  After she met with her social worker, we learned that she had signed something promising to give the baby up to her mother.  She wasn't pleased with this and she felt coerced, but this is where things were.  (I'm leaving more out of this section than of any other but if anyone wants details via phone or email I'll be happy to give them).  Her family wanted this baby to stay close to them.  We knew this was important and were willing to visit at least once a year so she and her family could see our child.  This was not enough for them. 

We offered to have a phone conversation with her family, which they agreed to.  After discussing the situation we found that we were at completely opposite ends of a taut rope at this point, and none of us were willing to move.  That phone call was one of the lowest points of my life.  Swears were said. Tears were shed.  it was bad.  But there was also nothing we could do until this baby was born.  We weren't willing to take her promises anymore until then. 

So we were in the uncomfortable position of needing to tell people that we might not actually be having a baby soon, but we might well still be.  It was a terrible limbo.  We kept it to ourselves pretty well, mainly because we didn't relish the idea of going over and over the situation with everyone.  I told only two close friends and I only told them because they asked how the waiting game was going.  They were heartbroken for us and I'm glad I had them to vent to.  Four days or so after the phone call with her family I was at work on a Saturday and while working with a woman I had met just the month before, she mentioned how I'd be soon taking time off with a new baby.  I was pretty numbed at this point to the idea of not getting the baby after all, but when I told her of the recent developments, Sandy just bent over in her chair and cried for me.  Sandy is, to this day and most likely forever, one of my dearest friends because of her good heart and what she did for me through this time.  In hindsight it was odd to comfort Sandy when we were the ones heartbroken. 

Thankfully, Sandy explained the situation to my boss so I didn't have to.  When I met with him the following Monday about work stuff I brought up the subject that I might not be taking some extended time off of work after all.  Like Sandy's reaction I will always remember and be grateful for Bill's sadness and understanding when I explained that we still hoped to bring this baby home.  Our plan now was to travel to NYC when this baby was born and either we'd come home with him or we'd catch a flight to somewhere we'd never been.  I started researching Iceland and Prague as my top choices.  I have never so much wanted to not go on vacation. 

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