My name is Carolyn and I'm on drugs

Probably the hardest thing for me in all this is how no one has ever found anything wrong with me. The dr. even gave my tubes an A and he never gives anyone's tubes an A. So I don't know if there's really nothing wrong with me, or there is something so wrong that our modern medicine cannot find it yet. In 30 or 50 years maybe, but not yet.

Because there's nothing "wrong" with me, doctors cannot treat me for any disease of malformation. Instead, they treat my symptom of not being able to get pregnant.

I do need to interject here that I am very happy with my dr. and everyone in his office and I know they are doing the best they can with the available knowledge. But here are some of the drugs I've been prescribed, along with wording from their packages. I'm one of those people who reads every word accompanying a prescription, but maybe its better not knowing.

Letrazole-"not to be used in women of childbearing age" (this one caused spotting every day I took it)
Prometrium-"used to restore normal menstrual periods that have stopped for several months" (not a problem for me)
Chorionic Gonado-"hormone used in boys (before puberty) to cause the normal dropping of the testicles into the scrotum" (there's more here but this is sufficient for my readers)
Estradiol-"may increase your risk of . . . dimentia"

I haven't had to take them all yet, but I have to have them on hand in case. I see it as part of my food storage. If bad times come we can all subsist on fertility meds, right? And Goya.

I am afraid...

...that all this will work and I'll get pregnant...that all this will not work and I won't get pregnant...that I'll only ever have one kid...that I won't be able to carry a baby to term...that I won't get my body back after having a kid...that it will negatively affect my relationship with Husband...that I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle this...that I won't be a good mother...that my kid will be THAT kid...that I won't have a kid until I'm 40...that I won't have the patience...that labor will be too painful...that I won't be able to breastfeed.

Ah, it feels good to get that off my chest.

In exciting news, we might have a guest blogger at mybrokenuterus soon.

The crazies

I had hopes that this time would be different. I've done fertility drugs before and they gave me a good case of the crazies. This time I'm on a more mild drug that works its way through the system more quickly but is supposed to have similar success rates. I thought that since it was more mild I would avoid the emotional roller coaster from before. But no. Poor Husband. It is nice to have an excuse for the crying but it is different from the normal bouts I have throughout the month.