The Game of Life

We had some friends over for dinner last night. After we ate, five of us played the Game of Life. One of my favorites from growing up, just behind Trouble and Shutes and Ladders.

Stewart got married and had many children with his little pink, plastic wife. The other three playing did the same with their little plastic spouses.

I, and my little blue man, had no children.

It wouldn't be so bad if this didn't happen

EVERY SINGLE TIME

I've played the Game of Life in the past few years.

Honestly. Anybody want our copy of this horrible terrible game?

And I'M A MAN!

When I post on any of our blogs I tend to imagine myself as a modern Demosthenes or Cicero. Instead of reading my cubic zirconium of sagacity (much more apt than pearls of wisdom), I envision all my readers encircling me with looks of awed reverence in the Agora. I guess I have some demagogic tendencies after all...look out Glenn Beck (that's for you Cindra).

My outstanding oratorical skills have little to do with the capacity of my man-seed to produce an heir to my greatness, but I fear that my last post regarding my reproductive short comings might have left a false impression. Lest you, my disciples, think me deficient in any way, let it be known that the latest test results have vindicated me.

I am not substandard, indeed I'm not even twice the man you think me to be. My manhood cannot be quantified. I am Übermensch. It's good to be the king.

....sorry I may be off caffeine but I'm still hyper.

No Hopes Here

The main reason I have this blog is to document more of my infertility than just the success we'll have when we finally get a kid through some means. I felt like all I the stories I would hear were about couples after they had a child and that doesn' t help with the feelings of isolation, especially when you belong to a church that is so family oriented.

I knew I wasn't pregnant this month. Even though I had taken fertility drugs, I just knew. Even though my period was a week late, I knew it would come, eventually. One of the worst things about fertility drugs, at least for me, is that they mess up an otherwise fairly regular cycle.

So I found myself without a period for one extra day, then another, then another. But I didn't get my hopes up this time. Sure I thought about how our lives would be different if I was pregnant, but I knew full well that I'm not now. When husband asked when he could panic, I told him to wait 9 months.

I didn't take a pregnancy test this time because I knew it would be a waste of money and urine. And I don't like peeing on a stick unless I have to. And I didn't have to this month.

But I still felt sad and disappointed when I found out for sure that I'm not pregnant. And a little relieved, is that wrong? For all our efforts (ok, mostly my efforts, husband only makes occasional efforts:) I still feel totally unprepared in almost every way. And the ways in which I do feel prepared I know deep down that I am the least prepared. I know this is normal.

So I took the day off from work and working out and had ice cream for breakfast/lunch (I slept til noon so I'm not sure what meal it was).

And we will try again.

I promise I am not as depressed as this post makes me sound. I get one day a month to feel sorry for myself and I'm taking it.

A Blind Rage

I'm currently on letrazole for a week or so, since I will NEVER go back to clomid. The side effects are much easier on letrazole, but not non-existent still (and I don't think cancer is as possible with letrazole). I may not be feeling any, to be honest.

But I'm going to blame my pissiness of late on the drug, and not my general nature. I like to think that I usually let things roll off my back, but for some reason I was REALLY mad last night.

And who knows, maybe I'll look back at one night of anger and long for something so simple. And at least I didn't have to punch a wall or person or cat to feel better. Maybe Husband has noticed worse side effects.

A little preparation

So while I wait for the drugs to take effect and make a baby inside me I've been focusing on things I can control and change to maybe encourage such baby making. Since I've got this extra time, I figured that I can focus on being as healthy as possible so that when the doctor impregnates me (with husband's sperm, I hope) the environment will be the most hospitable for growing life. It helps to have goals and takes my mind off the maddening procedures and tests and disappointments and other things that I can't control so much.

I have been taking my prenatal vitamins regularly for the past several months. I usually get frustrated with the lack of pregnancy and quit for weeks at a time, but I guess I finally realized that won't help.

I exercise regularly. Mostly running. Outside whenever possible, but on the treadmill when it's too cold or rainy or snowing. Even in NY I've had some days this winter when I've been able to run outside.

Husband and I gave us soda, candy and chips for the year, which should help me avoid gestational diabetes and a child who is born pre-hyped up on sugar.

I eat yogurt almost everyday, if it's in the house. I don't really like yogurt, but I've been told that it can help with the whole hospitable environment issue. And I had to replace my morning candy break with something.

These are the physical things I've been doing to prepare my body for growing a baby, but I'm also emphasizing the spiritual and mental as well, but more on those later.

And it brightened my morning when I ran into a friend in the parking lot of the doctor's office. It's always good to know I'm not doing this alone, in so many ways.